I read my horoscope just about every day and I believe those daily forecasts - as long as they're good ones. The downer ones? Don't you know that's just all hooey, mumbo-jumbo? But the positive ones? I'm right there, baby.

But the one that I saw this morning had me scratching my head:

"That brain of yours is good for lots of things today - so make the most of it! You should be able to figure out a few new answers to tough questions. You might even drift over into philosophy.

Let's break this down a bit. "That brain of yours is good for lots of things today." Okay, great, here's a short list of things I'd like my brain to be good for:

Becoming an ATM machine with unlimited cash reserves.
Becoming a Star Trek replicator so I can just materialize a loaf of bread and dishwasher detergent instead of going all the way back to the hated grocery store because I forgot two stupid items.
Performing liposuction.

It's still pretty early in the day. Could happen. I'm going to wait on the grocery store trip.

So, let's move on to that second sentence for Gemini's horoscope, May 19th, 2010. "You should be able to figure out a few new answers to tough questions." Okay, brain. Go for it.

Why are there no helium zebras? (see above illustration)
Why did I rescue a dog with a bladder the size of a toasted almond?
Why is gravity no one's friend after the age of 40?

Processing, processing... Nope. I got nothing. I'm starting to lose faith in the science of the stars here.

"You might even drift over into philosophy."

Fine, I guess I could do that. How about, I think, therefore I want a diet Dr. Pepper? How about wondering the reason the universe decides that the child that sidles up you to in the classroom and pets your cheek, saying, "Your wrinkles are REALLY soft" is always the same kid you watched sneeze into their hands a couple of minutes before? How ruminating about the awfulness of the blank sheet of paper or monitor screen - what is the philosophy of that dread, despair, that outright hopelessness?

Aw, I'm just yanking your chain there. My brain, no matter what my horoscope said is pretty much good for nothing today - a useful spacer to separate my ears is about it's accomplished so far. So here's what I'm doing. I'm going to print out that horoscope, change the date to tomorrow and see what the morning brings. I have stuff to write and pictures to draw...

Helium zebras would be pretty cool too.